


Tank-Top

by henghost



Category: Parahumans Series - Wildbow
Genre: Drug Use, F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-05-31 18:29:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19431673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/henghost/pseuds/henghost
Summary: Lisa is used to hard data and information and understanding everything, but thinking about Taylor (about Taylor being with someone else) makes her confused. (Set between Arc 19 and 20).





	1. Chapter 1

I made my way through the secret entrance, bypassing the guards. I didn’t want her to know I was coming. A surprise from me would do her good. 

She was asleep, as I knew she would be, but it was an encouraging sign nonetheless. She’d tossed the covers off-- the humidity had permeated even this stronghold-- and I could see she wore a gray tank-top and blue underwear, stark against her pale body. Her hair askew, forming a kind of tiara, her arms and legs like she was swimming breaststroke. So vulnerable.

I didn’t want to disturb her just yet, so I strolled through her room. My hands passed over drawers and my power told me what was in them. Nothing that could be used for extortion, I thought perversely. 

Looking through her clothes, it made me think back to that day at the boardwalk. A happy memory nestled between so many nightmares. I was a kind of mentor then, the girl with all the answers who could bring the ruthlessly efficient supervillain out of the shy teenager. Taylor had blushed when I suggested she show more skin. I’ll never forget that. 

Of course, now the shoe was on the other foot. 

She was a confident warlord who led an elite team of criminals. And I’d stayed the same. Stuck in my head like always. More alone than I ever had been (excluding, perhaps, my trigger). Skitter with Grue, Imp with Regent, Bitch with her dogs, and Tattletale with her thoughts. Caustic, acidic thoughts that ate through my mind like worms. 

Sometime during the Coil fiasco, I looked at Taylor and knew that she’d slept with Brian for the first time, and it was the first time since I got powers that I felt confused. Not just that I had yet to grasp something-- that happened all the time-- but that it was truly ungraspable. I suppressed the feeling then and all throughout the subsequent cascade of catastrophe, but when things were quiet (by our standards) again, the big neon question mark smacked my face again.

It was a feeling impossible to quantify. Something between nausea and regret, is the best way I could put it. The image of them locked together in intimacy was impossible to avoid, the space between them becoming nonexistent, their separate selves becoming one. 

I guess it’s fair to say I was jealous in some way. Certainly I wanted some of that intimacy for myself-- intimacy in a broad sense, not necessarily with either of them. But of course that was impossible. My power excluded me from that part of the human experience. 

I glanced over at the sleeping Taylor and felt a strange urge to join her in bed, put my head against her chest and stroke her dark curls. But I stopped myself. Instead, I pulled out a drawer of her dresser, took out a black top similar to the one she had on, balled it up, and put it in my pocket. Then I woke her up: we had business to discuss.

***

Throughout the next week, as I sat in front of the monitors of my hideout and managed various operations in my territory, I squeezed the shirt I’d stolen from Taylor in my fist like a kind of stress-ball. 

My power whispered facts about it into my ear: It’d been made somewhere in Southeast Asia, maybe the Philippines; Taylor had owned it since before she joined the Undersiders but had worn it only a few times; it cost between eight and twelve dollars; she hadn’t worn it since it had last been washed. 

I couldn’t say why I stole it. An impulse, a wild grope for comfort-- your guess is as good as mine. Whatever the reason, it made me feel better. I even started sleeping with it like it was a stuffed animal: I found it quieted my mind. It’s not like this was some kind of sex thing-- it didn’t even smell like her!-- not that I even remotely had time for that. But it helped me get my feelings about her in order. 

***

At the weekend, Imp suggested we have a party. We, the Undersiders, had had a lot of success recently, even if the rest of Brockton Bay and the world was basically in total shambles. I was going to say no, but then I was suddenly the last person who had yet to agree-- very weird.

So Sunday night we set up a bonfire at a beach in Regent’s territory. It was the Undersiders (minus Rachel, not that any of us suspected she’d show up) plus about ten of our high-level employees. By most people’s standards, the atmosphere was severe. There was no food or alcohol-- no one wanted to be at anything less than a hundred percent-- and it was obvious that the paranoia inherent to our profession was impossible to turn off. But to me, at least, the mood was happier than it had any right to be, and so was I. It had been a while since all of us got together for something good. 

Brian had his arm over Taylor’s shoulder, and the embers sparking off the fire lent them an almost domestic aspect, like they were an old married couple. Imp and Regent sat together in the sand, cackling at some private joke. I felt a chill and stood closer to the fire. 

“Lisa,” Taylor said, “when you came over to my place the other day, did you do anything to my room before you woke me up?”

“You sneaked into Taylor’s room while she was asleep and  _ lived _ ?” Brian said. 

“Like what?” I asked, forcing myself to grin.

“I don’t know. My room just kind of felt off after you left.”

“No, I didn’t. But now I sort of wish I had. A missed opportunity.”

We spoke about inane topics, all of us wanting to avoid thinking about the various crises happening all around us. Taylor and Brian left the group at one point and disappeared into the darkness somewhere-- my power told me they didn’t go far. 

By the fire that night, it struck me in earnest for the first time that it hurt to see them like that. I was her best friend and the only one who had any right to be so close to her. And knowing what they intended to do out there in the night, it brought me low. I conjured the image of Taylor in her bed. I didn’t want to share that with anyone. 

So I went after them. My power told me there weren’t enough bugs or crustaceans around for Taylor to sense my approach, so I crouched low in the sand and followed the trail they’d made like this was a stealth mission, which it was, to a certain extent. 

I heard them before I saw them. The sound of lips pulling apart then pushing back together, of hands moving across clothes, soft and muffled sighs. They were behind a sort of crumbling shack. I moved to the other side, my back to the mildewy-smelling ruin, and I listened. The sounds becoming concrete images in my head with the help of my power. 

The sting of adrenaline in my veins, I tried to keep my breathing under control. I heard Taylor’s moan as Brian entered her. Then their slow movement, their bodies become one, and the steady increase of speed. For a few brief, precious moments, my mind was totally blank save for the projected image of my two friends locked together in bliss. 

There was an irritation at my neck, and I moved my hand to scratch at it. But then my power kicked in: it was a fly. My heart skipped a beat. Another fly landed on my right shoulder, then a mosquito on my leg, a beetle at my forehead, and finally a moth perched on my lips, as if to shush me. 

I rose carefully to my feet, but I felt something light and hard land on my head, and I sat back down. Surely this was her power functioning autonomously, working without her consent to defend her privacy. Taylor wouldn’t want to be watched-- she was shy, a complete introvert. Or maybe that Taylor had died somewhere along the horror-laden road. Maybe she wanted me to know that she sensed me. My power was mute on the matter. 

They finished, and the world was silent save for their panting and the small buzzing from the bugs attached to me. I heard them put clothes back on, and I braced for a confrontation. It didn’t come. Taylor led Brian the other way, back into the city. I lay in the sand, breathless. 

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reeling, Lisa comes up with a plan that might let her see eye to eye with Taylor.

There’s a kind of fundamental loneliness to my power. I mean, everyone is to some extent fundamentally lonely-- it’s almost a cliche to mention it-- but I honestly believe that I’ve got it worse than maybe anyone else. Think about it: I, against my will, form an intimate connection with anyone I look at. I get intimations as to their deepest darkest secrets, the shape of their mind, their personality. Things it would take a normal person years to discover. And as such, I’ve never really felt true intimacy. Never a best friend, romantic partner, etc.

And a corollary of all that is that I’m unaccustomed to fear. I think for most people, it’s common to get acquainted with terror by way of social anxiety. Do they like me? Are they angry at me? These questions are where the majority of the populations first experiences true and genuine fear. And since the advent of my power, I’ve never had to deal with that, and so I think my body has sort of forgotten how to make me feel that way, shut down its adrenaline factories. I’ve got a scar at the corner of my mouth to prove it.

I don’t want to come across as self-pitying or self-loathing. These are the trade-offs we parahumans have to make in exchange for our abilities, and I came to terms with that a long time ago. But maybe this gives you some insight to my state of mind around the time of that incident on the beach. Because these things I was feeling were new. The terror, the tangible and constant reminder of my absolute isolation from even those I considered closest. I wasn’t used to that.

I had a kind of miniature psychological breakdown when I got back to my lair after the beach incident. I had things to attend to, but I ignored them, headed for my bedroom instead. I dug out the tank-top from the secret compartment I’d hidden it in and laid it across my bed. Then I curled up next to it and cried for a while, drying my tears with its black cloth every so often. Like I said: breakdown.

Gradually, though, my sobbing abated. But it’s not like I could go to sleep, so I stayed awake and schemed-- a familiar comfort. By the morning, I had an idea about how to deal with this all.

***

Before the sun was up, I summoned Bryce, who’d at this point proven himself a competent underling, and asked him, “You know where to get drugs, right?”

He rubbed his eyes and yawned. “Depends what kind, ma’am.”

“Like benzos, for instance. And you don’t need to call me ma’am.”

“What are benzos, ma--”

“You know, like, Xanax, Valium, that kind of thing. Actually, I like it better when you call me ma’am.”

“Oh, right. Yeah, I could find those, ma’am. Would you like me to?”

“Yes,” I said, scribbling on a post-it note. I handed it to him. “Then go to this address, say exactly this to the woman there, and bring me back what she gives you.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

***

My new medications in hand, I had someone drive me over to Taylor’s place. She must’ve sensed my approach with her swarm, because as we neared her residence, lines of insects appeared along the decrepit road, directing us through the various hazards. There weren’t any guards at the base of her building, so I let myself in through the secret entrance and climbed the stairs up to her room. I found her on sprawled on the floor, leafing through a file of some kind, wearing running shorts and an oversized t-shirt. 

“Hey,” she said. “What is it?” I was hit with a bolt of panic. Usually, I was the master of conversation, a dominatrix of discussion, but now I was drawing a blank. The normal info about Skitter swirled through my mind: her nerves about the Cauldron situation, her doubts about how she was running her territory-- nothing pertinent.

“Um,” I said, “so last night…”

“Yeah?” She hadn’t looked at me yet. 

“Was that you?”

“Yeah,” she said, turning the page of her file. 

“Uh, are we talking about the same thing? About you and Brian and me and the bugs…”

She turned to look at me. “Yeah, you caught us. Not a big deal. I just didn’t want to, like, unnerve him. But it’s not a big deal.” A shard of information popped into my head: this casual air was a front. But I wasn’t sure why she was lying. 

“Oh, okay. Just wanted to talk about it. I felt kind of weird afterward.”

She laughed drily. “Me too. It was a little awkward. Let’s just forget about the whole thing.”

“Okay, ha ha. Uh, there’s another thing. What do have going on today?”

“Not much, really. I was going to read this thing I put together about potential threats. The Ambassadors, the Fallen--”

“Can I ask you a favor, then?”

“You can ask.”

“I want to test something out. So you know how my power can be really, you know, oppressive and controlling and sometimes debilitating?”

“Sure.”

“Well, I may have found a temporary solution,” I said, withdrawing the small ziploc bag of pills from my pocket. “I found this tinker who’s been operating south of our territory. Tinker with a kind of trump twist. They make medicines that manipulate and alter powers, and I managed to get my hands on one that’s supposed to nullify or disable your power for a little bit.”

“How come I haven’t heard of this tinker? That sounds kind of game-changing.”

“They’re young, inexperienced. Don’t worry, I’m keeping tabs on them. Anyway, I wanted to test it out. So can you… I think the word is ‘trip-sit’ me?” 

“You mean just look after you while you’re in the throes of some unknown substance? I guess so.”

“Thanks. My power tells me the pill itself isn’t especially dangerous, but I don’t want to be ambushed while I’m on it, obviously. Not without backup.”

This was a lie, of course. Or at least it wasn’t my primary motivation. No, what I wanted-- wanted so much I was willing to switch off my only defense mechanism-- was to be next to someone. I wanted to be next to Taylor physically and emotionally and mentally so that we may see into each other’s eyes. I knew her, I knew everything about her, but I wanted to see her, too, if that makes any sense at all. More than anything. 

Taylor filled a glass of water at her bathroom sink and handed it to me. I swallowed the power-switch pill as well as ten milligrams of Valium for the inevitable surge of panic that would accompany the removal of one of my senses. Then I sat on her bed and waited for it to kick in. She lay back down on the floor and continued her reading.

My power turned off before the Valium hit me, though, and sure enough, it was terrifying. Like the lights had been switched off and left me groping in the dark, navigating through myriad hazards without anything to guide me. I clenched my hands into fists. 

But then I was overcome with a kind of warmth that suffused every part of my body. Not heat, really, but more like a blanket being draped over cold legs. Very pleasant. My mind grew hazy, and all the terror was gone, evaporated away. 

Without really thinking about it, I said, “Taylor, why did you lie earlier when you said it wasn’t a big deal about me catching you with Brian?”

She hesitated. Then she said, “Because, Lisa, I know you didn’t really  _ catch  _ us, did you. You knew what we’d be doing. You wanted to see us. And I didn’t want to think about why.”

I didn’t have a response, verbal or emotional. I was numb. 

“Can I lie next to you?” I asked after a moment of silence. 

“Go ahead.”

I rolled off the bed and hit the floor with a thump and moved over to her so that our sides were almost touching. She was so thin, I thought, strong but very thin. 

“You know I love you, Taylor,” I said.

“I love you too. You sound kind of high.”

“Maybe. But really, Taylor, I-- look at me.” She looked up and turned her head to make eye contact. “I really, really love you. More than anyone else in this world, probably. Which sounds kind of melodramatic, I know, but I think it’s true. And it’s hard to share that. Hard to share that with Brian, with Rachel, with Aisha, with  _ anyone _ . And I don’t want to resent them for making me, but it’s difficult. That’s why I followed you and him last night. Not to stop you, but just to, like, leech some of your intimacy.”

We stared at each other, silent, our faces inches apart. God, how I wanted to know what she was thinking then. Instead, I could only try and interpret her inscrutable expression. Look for clues among the ridges and arches of her thin lips, the delicate curve of her nose, the minute lines on her forehead. 

It looked like she was going to say something, but suddenly the pulsing all throughout my body grew too strong, and I couldn’t do anything but cut her off by putting my mouth on hers. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lisa discovers a dark application of her power.

Her face turned red, but it was impossible to tell without my power whether it was from anger or a blush. She stood up and turned her back to me, looking out the window. 

Then she said, “Fuck,” in a low monotone, sat down, and put her face in her hands. 

I knew I should feel panic or regret or anger or something-- but I didn’t. I felt nothing at all. Maybe it was the Valium, but who could say? I rolled onto my back and watched the ceiling fan spin.

“Why would you do that, Lisa?”

“Couldn’t help myself,” I said into the air. I could hear her hit something hard. 

“But why,” she said, “couldn’t you help yourself?”

That was a harder question to answer. I stayed silent. She walked over and looked down at me and said, “Answer me, Lisa. Before I kick you.”

“You were just so close to me, and you looked so good. I couldn’t help myself.”

“No but, Lisa, listen to me. Was it, like, a platonic kiss? Or something else?”

“What the hell is a platonic kiss?” I asked, and Taylor balled her hands into fists.

“This is  _ bad,  _ Lisa,” she said. “Please tell me you’re going to go back to normal when these drugs leave your system. Because, if not, then we’ll have a real conundrum on our hands. A big fucking problem.” 

“Taylor,” I said, a dumb confidence bubbling through my body, “this doesn’t seem like the right way to react.”

“You didn’t act the right way in the first place! Listen to me for a second: if you mean it when you say that this was a kiss that you intended to evolve into something further, then that means, what, that you have some kind of massive crush on me that’s been simmering inside you this whole time? Think about what that means for our friendship. Think about what that means for the Undersiders, and then, by extension, what problems for the Undersiders mean for the people in our territory and for the world at large.”

“You sound like you’re in a soap opera. It’s not like the world’s going to end,” I said, then laughed when I realized my mistake. Taylor dug the heels of her hands into her eyes. 

“So you don’t deny it, then?”

“Deny what?”

“That you, you know,  _ like  _ me.”

“That’s not how I’d put it.”

“I’m seriously about to hit you, Lisa.”

I could feel little inklings of my power returning to me, supplying a cutting edge to my words. “Taylor, this isn’t what I expected. I thought that maybe you’d be happier to learn someone likes you that way. Very few people do, you know. Brian doesn’t, not in the way you think. He thinks you’re easy. You’re just someone he can get it in with who doesn’t have enough self-respect to tell him no. And you know that, deep down, but you tell yourself, No, he isn’t like that, he’s vulnerable, he’s damaged, we know each other in a way no one else does. And, believe me, that’s what I thought, too, for a while. But my power doesn’t lie to me-- not since Coil died.” I could feel various arachnids and insects at the edges of my periphery, squeezing in through the tiny cracks in the walls.

“Lisa, are you usi--”

“Let me finish, because you need to hear this. I just couldn’t put up with it anymore. You’re my best friend, Taylor. I love you. And I know that you don’t deserve to put up with another bully, especially not when you don’t even realize they’re a bully. I don’t see how you didn’t realize, looking back on it. Maybe you were blind. Maybe you were just so caught up in having someone who was willing to fuck you. I don’t know. But it’s sickening to watch.”

She slouched down next to me, little centipedes climbing up and down her arms. “What are you saying, Lisa? None of this really makes sense. Are you just using your power to, I don’t know, make me feel bad for not making out with you?”

“My power hasn’t come back yet,” I said. “This is the truth.”

“Were you also lying about that pill?”

“Why would I lie to you, Taylor? Especially about this. You’re the only real friend I have in the world. Why would I throw that away?”

“I don’t know, I…”

“It’s difficult to admit when someone’s fooled you, Taylor,” I said, putting my hand on her shoulder. “I know that better than anyone.”

“But why, if all that’s true, and you only have my best interests at heart, did you kiss me?”

“Because you need someone who loves you, Taylor. And I want to be that for you. You deserve real intimacy, and you haven’t had that since your mom died. That’s why I took the pill. I wanted to be genuine with you.” She looked at me, and I could see her eyes were filled with tears. “I’m the only one who could _ever_ be that for you,” I said, brushing some of the curly dark hair out of her face.   
“Lisa,” she said, face in her hands, “if you’re lying to me, I could never forgive you.”

“I know that.”

“Should I call him right now, then, and ask him about it?”

“Maybe you should take some time,” I said. “Get your emotions in order.”

She began to sob, and I took the opportunity to kiss her cheek. She tasted incredible against my lips, and it almost made me feel like this was worth it.

After several minutes of crying, Taylor said, “So do you really have a crush on me?”

“I love you, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“But do you want to, you know, have  _ sex  _ with me?”

“Well, I want to be close to you, sure. But I don’t want to  _ fuck  _ you, not like Brian does.” I grabbed her shoulders with both my hands and turned her to face me. She looked about ready to break. I brought her into an embrace, then I wrapped my legs around her midsection and pushed her onto the floor. From above her, I could see her eyes glisten in the light like diamonds, feel the warmth from her rising up and dissipating against my flesh, smell the hot scent of her breath. 

“What are you doing, Lisa?”

“Holding you close.”

“I’m not-- I don’t like girls, you know. Not in that way.”

“But doesn’t this feel good? Isn’t this what you’ve always wanted: to be held gently and without motive?”

“Yeah, but--”

“Just, Taylor, let me do this for you. This is what friends do for each other, right? Don’t you wish Brian had done this? Don’t you wish Emma had?” I was so close to her now. It was as if our souls were beginning to meld, and I wanted our bodies to, as well. Her lips pulled me in like a black hole, and I let my tongue dance on them, probing the entrance of her mouth. Then I moved to her neck, right below the lobe of her ear. There was, by this point, a powerful slickness between my legs. 

“What the fuck is going on?” she said, and she pushed me off of her. “What the fuck is even happening? Jesus fucking Christ, there’s a wet spot at your crotch!”

“Isn’t this what you wanted? Isn’t this why you stayed with Brian, even though you knew he couldn’t give it to you.”

“It seems like you were more concerned with how good  _ you  _ felt, just now.”

“I can’t deny it, Taylor. You’re beautiful. It feels  _ incredible  _ to be so close to you. But of course I want you to feel good.” I put my hands on her thighs. My power told me about her fear, her apprehension, but it also told me that she would give if I kept pressing. “You’ll forget about all this betrayal. I promise. It’ll feel great. It’s not even really sex-- it’s something deeper.” I began to pull down her shorts, and she didn’t stop me. I threw them to the side and began on her underwear, dark blue and very form fitting. I put it in my pocket. Her pubic hair was as dark and coarse as the hair on her head. 

Slowly and carefully, I lowered my mouth to her sex, the scent of her totally surrounding my head. Heavenly. I moved my mouth up and down, my power lending me acumen in the pursuit. I knew for a fact that it felt amazing. Taylor’s breath sped up, and occasionally a sigh, a moan would slip through unbidden. 

Soon, through my skillful efforts, she reached a crescendo of pleasure, and she brought her hands to my head and pushed me into her. 

“Wow,” she said, breathless. 

“It’s symbolic. I know you like no one else, and I know better than anyone what makes you feel good.”

“But I was imagining it wasn’t you. It’s still Brian, in my head.”

I bit my tongue. “It’s normal to be confused.”

`


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian shows up, and Taylor tells a story.

The discarded items of clothing sat on my bed, empty, hollow, the shed fur of a now dead creature. Loosely in a feminine shape— certainly it wasn’t a man’s underwear. And I tried so, so hard to fill them up with something, anything at all. But it was impossible. Indeed, I had known that would be the case, had known it for a long time, but you can’t blame me for trying. 

My head swirled and ached, and I slouched into the vaguely Taylor-ish shape, searching in vain for any shred of comfort. Black tank-top, blue underwear— empty. Within their cloth, I found a single follicle of dark hair, and I brought it to my lips, and I burst into tears. 

I had left her lair in a kind of fugue when I was done. She looked so confused, like an animal shot by a hunter, unwitting of its fate. That wasn’t Taylor. And Taylor would never come back, not for me. I’d ruined everything.

Now I only had her clothes as a crude, imperfect facsimile. I took off my costume— I had nothing on underneath— and lay on top of the Taylor-shape, trying to savor every scent. Then I put it on. In the mirror, I didn’t really look like her (fuller figure, different hair, different eyes) but it was comforting nonetheless. Was this what if felt like to be her?

I lay back down and sniffed the air wildly, trying to conjure a more complete image of her. She and her clothes smelled somehow acidic, acrid. The irremovable stench of crushed bugs, the constant nervous sweat. But so intoxicating, oh my god, and each new breath was like a bolt of pleasure shot down through my breasts and stomach and between my legs and all the way through and out my toes. I slipped a finger inside myself. Would this be like some kind of magic? Would she feel the same pleasure her poor lookalike was feeling now? 

I thought of our earlier encounter. The massive solar heat of her pressed against my face, the moisture pooling down across my lips like the morning dew. Was it worth it? Part of me wanted to say yes. The potential ruin of all I’d ever known was, in fact, worth exchanging for a few minutes of being in that womb-like, all-encompassing heat. 

I’d chased that lust, all the while equating it to what I truly desired, which was something more whole, less ephemeral. And now everything was ruined. My moans became sobs then something in between the two. I had morphed her mind into one that wanted me, and in the process, I’d killed her. I had killed the Taylor I’d loved. It all sounded kind of familiar. 

I took them (the clothes) off, not wanting to remove the scent from them, then laid them out carefully on my bed again, and curled up under where a shoulder would be. 

***

Brian showed up, of course, and I didn’t need my power to tell me he was pissed. He slammed on the door. Within instants, a bevy of huge, black-clad henchmen were all around him. I called them off. 

“Come in,” I said, hoping my eyes weren’t too red. 

When the door was closed, he said, “Lisa, I’m very close to murdering you right now, and you know that. So I guess maybe you should just tell me what, you know, what you did. And then you can reverse it. Then I won’t have to fucking murder you in cold blood right here where you stand.”

“Okay, Brian, listen for a second.”

“Like, how long have we known each other, Lisa? It’s been a long time. I’ve known you longer than I’ve known her. And you know what I’ve been through. And you do this to me anyway. I mean, I knew you were some kind of monster, but I never thought you were  _ this  _ kind of monster.”

“Sit down, breathe, let’s talk.” (This was all instinct, by the way. I didn’t really feel, deep down, like I deserved to be spoken with. Brian should’ve hired his sister to slit my throat the moment he found out.)

I was engulfed by blackness. “Let’s be on equal footing for this conversation.”

The inky dark was all-consuming, which felt appropriate. I couldn’t tell if my eyes were open or closed or where my hands were, and the only thing I could hear was Brian’s heavy, ragged breathing that sounded like it was coming from an old blown-out intercom. The breathing got heavier and more ragged, and he said, “You raped my girlfriend, Lisa?”

This darkness was icy and so far from the humid summer outside, and so was I. “That’s… that’s not what happened. You’re missing some context.”

“No, Lisa, listen, this little shard of your power I have now is telling me you coerced my girlfriend into having sex with you. Like, against her will. Without consent. What would you call it?”

“No one  _ coerced  _ anyone. There was mutual, enthusiastic consent.”

“I wouldn’t say she had much choice, though, if she was on the receiving end of your power, Lisa. And now she doesn’t even want to speak with me. You fucked her up. You violated her. That sounds like rape to me.”

I felt like glass, and the rushing series of events— the events I’d caused— were nearing that frequency where all that glass would shatter. Is this what it felt like for everyone I used my power on?

“Brian,” I said. “Look, I get it. You’re insecure. But at a certain point you’ve just gotta face facts. And here’s a fact: she doesn’t want to be with you anymore. I wouldn’t either, if I were in her shoes. I didn’t lie to her. I didn’t coerce her. I certainly didn’t  _ rape  _ her— I wouldn’t do that to my best friend. All I did was tell her the truth, and Taylor’s smart enough to recognize what’s best for her. And I comforted her, like, physically. And, yeah, maybe it’s a little sleazy to come onto someone who just got out of a long-term relationship, but I never claimed to be a flawless individual.”

“What did I do, Lisa, to deserve this kind of treatment from you? What did  _ she  _ do? She’s your only friend in the world, and you used her like some kind of sex doll, you conceited, arrogant dyke.”

It occurred to me that I was in real, physical danger. If Brian wanted to hurt me, though, it was too late to prevent it. 

“You’re scaring me, Brian. You’re unhinged right now. I want to have a civilized discussion with you, really, but I don’t think we can when you’re like this. I’m going to leave.”

“You’re going to see Taylor?”

“Well, yeah, Brian. I’m scared for her safety with you acting like this.”

“Hold on, let me just tell you this, okay: If it really turns out there’s been some kind of misunderstanding, or if I’m just overreacting, then I’ll apologize, and we can forget this. But listen, Lisa— and I mean really listen— if it turns out you really did  _ violate  _ her somehow, then I’ll have to kill you. I mean, I will  _ need  _ to kill you. By any means necessary. Mercenaries, my sister, my bare fucking hands— it’ll happen.” His voice was cracking, and some of the tinny quality had been lost.

“I’m sure you meant to sound threatening, but that sounds a little schizophrenic, Brian. Paranoid. You sound terrified, to be a hundred percent honest. Is it because your honor has been, like, besmirched, or something? Because your girlfriend is functioning like an autonomous human being? It’s frankly abusive, what you’re doing, and I’m genuinely worried about what you’re going to do next. I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree after all.”

When I was sure he wouldn’t chase after me, I navigated through and out of the darkness by way of my power, and I got someone to drive me to Taylor’s. I was drawn to her like a moth to a light, despite my best intentions. 

***

The adrenaline and nausea followed me like a shadow as I traveled to Taylor’s place. I needed to do something, otherwise I might implode from the regret/confusion/terror. Because Brian had been a little too right. 

My power told me she wouldn’t attack me on sight— although she had every right to— and I needed to fix this, as impossible as that felt. So I went looking for her. 

I found her in her room with her back to the wall, eyes wide.

“Did Brian talk to you?” she asked.

“‘Talk’ is the wrong word,” I said, and I sat cross-legged in front of her, our eyes half a foot apart. 

“It’s obviously a complicated situation, and Brian’s not good with ‘complicated.’ But he’ll come around, don’t worry.”

“Taylor, we should, you know, talk.”

“About the sex?”

“Well, yeah, and what it means.”

“It’s the first time I’ve done anything like that, really, with a girl.”

“You mentioned that. And, listen, looking back on it, I realize I was a little… pushy.”

“I’m so confused, Lisa.”

“Me too.”

“I can’t stop thinking about this one time, when I must’ve been thirteen or fourteen— right after my mom died. Before Emma, you know, betrayed me. And she and I went to a sleepover at this girl’s house. I didn’t really know this girl— her name was Amber—I didn’t know her very well, but I’d seen her around school. She was sort of at a higher tier than me, popularity-wise, but Emma’s parents knew her parents, and she took me as her plus-one, I guess. 

“But even though I didn’t know her, I’d seen her before, and she was so unbelievably beautiful, Lisa, you have no idea. It wouldn’t be hyperbole to say she looked angelic. Probably at least six inches taller than any other girl in our grade and also really, you know, well-proportioned for someone her age. And I was jealous, obviously, but I was also kind of obsessed. Not like a crush. Just a kind of fascination— it’s hard to explain. 

“And so at this sleepover, when everyone else was asleep, I crept into her room— we were all in sleeping bags in the living room— I crept into her room, and I, like, went through all her clothes and makeup and stuff. Her family was pretty wealthy, so there was a lot. And eventually I found one of her bras, which, you know, was much larger than anything I had. And I was so inexplicably drawn to it. It was like in Lord of the Rings, you know, where everyone can’t help but want to be the possessor of the ‘one ring.’ It’s like it was calling out to me.

“So I took it to bed with me. I slept in her bed, in her unwashed sheets, with her bra crumpled up in my arms— it was so weird, Lisa. I don’t think it was something sexual, but it also wasn’t  _ not  _ sexual, you know what I mean? I remember having really, like, vivid dreams that night. Strange and surreal and definitely sexual, although I don’t know if they were  _ erotic.  _

“Which, in retrospect, it all sounds so out of character for me. I mean, you know me, it usually makes me really uncomfortable to think about that kind of thing. But that night I was so overcome by… something. It was probably a weird manifestation of my grief. I don’t know. Anyway, I can’t stop thinking about it, ever since you, you know, fellated me. Maybe I’ve always had, like, latent sapphic urges, I don’t know.” She chuckled wanly. 

I trembled. “Taylor, I—”

“And the strange thing is, as much as I love Brian—  _ loved  _ Brian— I’ve never felt that same feeling with him of, like, being overcome. Don’t get me wrong, he’s really hot and all, and very good, you know, in the bedroom. But I’ve never felt anything close to that… that passion that I felt for Amber. With you, though, it was something similar.”

“You said you imagined it was him,” I said. “After I was done ‘fellating’ you.”

“I… That was kind of true. I think I wanted it to be him. But I knew it was you. And it felt so good, and you felt so good. I’m so confused.”

“Taylor, you should know, though, that earlier, when I said what I did about Brian, I wasn’t being entirely truthful.”

“What are you saying?”

“I was… embellishing, to some extent. He’s not really as, like, cold as I made him out to be. I’m sorry, I really just wanted—”

“So you  _ were  _ using your power?”

“Yeah, I just wanted, needed to be close to you. You know I’ve never really felt, like, intimacy.”

“You were lying to me and manipulating me so you could sleep with me?”

“I mean, it sounds bad when you say it like that. But you were just saying how good it felt, and…” I trailed off as a black tide of insects made its way up my arms. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taylor retaliates.

“Get up,” said Taylor. Actually, I think Taylor was gone at this point. Only Skitter now. My skin had turned black from its insect coating, and I knew this was no idle threat— I would’ve known even without my power— so I obeyed. 

“Listen, Taylor, it’s really not a big deal. You know, it’s like, everyone makes mistakes, and it just so happens that, by nature of these cancerous, cancerous fucking… things in our head, the things that give us power, our mistakes happen to be huge, Taylor. And look, you know me, and…”

She wasn’t listening— smart. 

She led me out of the building and into a kind of side alley on the other end of her building. The sun had gone down, and the streetlights around didn’t have power or they were vandalized or both, so it was pitch black. But we could see, of course. We had a sixth sense. 

Gradually my eyes adjusted, and I could make out her expression, which was severe, to say the least. I’d never seen it before. Maybe I had, actually, and it had just always been obscured by a mask. 

She pressed me against a brick wall and put her hands on either side of me and said, “Lisa, you know I’m going to have to kill you, right?”

“That’s exactly what Brian said.”

“Great minds, right? Anyway, it’d make things easier if, you know, you didn’t speak. I mean, I’ll allow you last words, but I won’t listen to them. Obviously.”

“Taylor, listen to yourself. You know I’m your only friend in the world, right? And you’re going to execute me? Just like Coil? Why? Because you can’t come to terms with your own sexuality? I mean, you realize how fucking dramatic that is, right?”

“Lisa, shut the  _ fuck  _ up.”

“I mean, I recognize that that’s, you know, the nature of our profession. Of cape life. The drama, the theater is, is what I mean. But like, take a second to take stock, you know. Just take some deep breaths before you end up doing something you regret. Listen, I can help. I’m really, really sorry, Taylor, but I can help. We can work together. Just… let’s talk, okay. Nothing can be helped if we don’t, like, communicate, right?”

“Lisa, if you don’t shut the fuck up soon, you’re not going to like what I’ll do.”

“You can drop the theatrics. I’m not some kind of supervillain—”

“Literally that’s exactly what you are.” I would’ve responded but there bugs in my mouth— my power told me it was centipedes and cockroaches, mostly— crawling against the insides of my cheeks. “You are a fucking monster, Lisa. That’s what you are, don’t pretend you’re anything else. And no, of course I’m not going to talk to you. Because you can’t talk with anyone. Especially not in a situation like this. You don’t talk with people, you point knives at their throats with your words, and you used that to… to fucking coerce me, Lisa. And now that I realize how pathetic you really are, I will have to kill you. I can’t just let a betrayal like that slide.”

I knew she wasn’t lying. The darkness was all around us like a kind of toxic mist, and it was suffocating. I needed to see. I wasn’t comfortable with these hazy shapes, their fuzzy outlines, the way it made Taylor’s sharp thin lips look drawn on, the way it made her eyes opaque. 

“That’s the thing, Lisa, you were never my friend. Ever since you triggered, you could never be anyone’s friend. Right? Because you see me in a way that completely precludes you from, like, having any empathy. From having a real connection with anyone. Maybe that’s why I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt when you said your powers hadn’t come back. Because, like, then we could really be friends. You could be the person I’ve always pictured in my head. A friend. A supporter. Not a follower, not a teammate, not a colleague, not an acquaintance— a real fucking best friend. But I see now how naive it was of me to think that.”

Was she really monologuing at me?

“That’s why I was so upset when you started talking about Brian that way— I mean, you probably know this— but when you were saying he didn’t  _ like  _ me that way. That’s so scary, Lisa. That’s so fucked up that you made me even consider that,” her voice was breaking, “that Brian wasn’t there for me. That’s not true. It’s not true. We love each other. He’d  _ kill  _ for me. I’d kill for him. Hell, I’m about to, in a way.”

She was monologuing. Working herself up to it, I guess.

“God, and maybe I did enjoy it. It was so nice to feel  _ desire  _ for you. And we were so close, and I felt pleasure, genuine pleasure, and that’s such a fucking commodity these days. But I should’ve known. 

“You want to know how that story I was telling you ends? The one about sleeping with Amber’s bras? Well, no one caught me. And I managed to bring it home, the bra. And that was actually the first I ever masturbated in my life. It was, like, otherworldly pleasure, Lisa. You wouldn’t believe. But then you want to know what happened? I fucking threw it in the fire.”

The bugs were getting farther and farther back in my mouth. 

“Maybe it was some weird Freudian thing, I don’t know. Maybe I really was—  _ am—  _ scared of my sexuality. But I don’t think so. I think the reason I burned that bra was that I understood in some kind of primitive, adolescent way what sexuality was, in the end. It’s intimacy. And it scared me that I could achieve some kind of crude approximation of intimacy without her ever knowing. I don’t know.”

She was sobbing now. I was, too.

“And fuck, Lisa, now you’re making me fucking kill you? Fuck fuck fuck, my life’s just repeating itself. Fuck. There’s no way around it, is there? It’s like I’m trapped in some kind of loop.” She punched the brick wall beside my head. 

The bugs crawled out of my mouth, and it was somehow a more discomfiting feeling than when they’d entered. “So, last words, then?”

I knew it was futile to try any tricks, or to resist physically in any way, so I said, “I took some of your clothes, too.”

And she punched the wall again and yelled, “Fuck!” loud enough that someone down the block could hear, and then I felt a thousand insect bites, centered mostly around my neck, some at my chest, a lot across the inside of my thighs. My power informed me these were the bites of spiders— brown recluses, mostly. Some black widows. It also told me there was less than zero chance I’d survive. 

“You’re going to die within five minutes, Lisa, and you’ll probably be unconscious in thirty seconds or so” — deadly calm now— “so: here.” She grabbed my face and brought her mouth to mine, shoved her tongue in recklessly, then let go and pushed me to the ground. 

I watched her walk away from me, the fuzzy shape of her tilted at ninety degrees. I felt the cold concrete. Then sleep fell over me like a warm blanket. 


End file.
